


Victoire Weasley and the Waffling Wimp

by Drakey



Series: Luke Restimen and The Cruelty of Fate [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: HP: Epilogue Compliant, Horcrux Malfunction, I am mean to my characters, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Teddy Should Probably Shut Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-24 01:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2562776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drakey/pseuds/Drakey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For once, Luke Restimen has a chance to relax. Well, "relax" is a broad term. His adopted brother won't get up the nerve to talk to Victoire Weasley, the Death Eaters are <i>still</i> determined to get their revenge, and it's fifth year. OWLS are approaching with disturbing speed, and there's a veritable mountain of work to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shopping Trip

The girls in the corner were gossiping again. He always hated when they gossiped, because they said unkind things about him, which was a truly excellent way to prove that they were stupid.

Another burst of laughter echoed across the cafeteria, and he ducked his head as they peered over at him. He caught the latest nickname they'd given him echoing across the room. "Tom the Freak," they said, and turned their giggling back inward. He drove his fork through his cabbage, scowling at the juices that bled off of the boiled stuff. 

Something nudged his foot, and he bent under the table to find Billy Stubbs' rabbit investigating his toes. He twitched his foot to shove the annoying little creature away. It fled back away from him for a moment, then came hopping back. He kicked it.

"I heard that Jenna was kissing Jordan behind the shed yesterday," came a stage-whispered voice from the direction of the gossiping girls.

There was more giggling. Someone hissed, "Just watch his face!"

"I heard that Tom the Freak has a crush on Eliza!"

He grabbed his butterknife and applied himself to shredding his cabbage as brutally as possible. 

"Tom the Freak doesn't have crushes! He's too much of a freak."

The rabbit started poking at his foot again. He kicked it much more violently this time. The rabbit bounded out from under the table, squealing loudly and violently. 

"Stubbs," he yelled, "Keep your ugly little beast out from under the table!"

Billy Stubbs, mountainous little pile of meat that he was, drew himself up to his full height. An adult wouldn't have found it impressive, but the boy was twice his height. Stubbs stalked over to him with clenched fists. He grabbed his collar, and he growled darkly, "You touch Cuddlebunny again and I'll wreck you, Riddle."

==

Luke Restimen woke up and stared at the ceiling.

He didn't recall having had that dream before, but it certainly explained Tom Riddle's hatred of Billy Stubbs' rabbit. Anything that was at the core of a humiliation for Riddle was something he hated. He rather suspected the animal had developed an equal hatred for him, which was probably the source of a scar or two. Luke had been bitten by a rabbit once, and he didn't think it was an experience he was likely to forget.

The last few years had been pretty hard on Luke, and he was beginning to suspect that the one coming up was no more his year than any since he turned eleven had been. He did, at least, have a girlfriend and a full complement of friends and allies. One of whom, he recalled, was taking him out to get some school supplies with his brother. 

Not that Teddy was actually, legally, Luke's brother. He was actually, through a quirk of status and happenstance, his nephew, but Luke didn't let that distinction get in between him and making jokes about Teddy being his weirdo brother. Nor did he let it stop him from teasing his brother. He could hear an excellent opportunity to do just that through the wall. 

Luke stood up, hurried to the wall, and thumped on it about a half a dozen times. The noises on the other side of the wall stopped and Luke called out "If you're going to dream about Victoire, you might want to get a silencing charm put on your room!"

Teddy groaned loudly from the other side of the wall. "Luke," he called indistinctly, "Has anyone ever told you you're a real wanker sometimes?"

"You have, about once a week for four years," Luke called. 

Teddy made a few muffled shuffling-around noises, and then a door opened and closed out in the hall, and a few moments later, Teddy came in, sleep-ruffled and blue-haired. "You look awful," Luke informed him helpfully.

"Thanks," Teddy said. "You look like a rat that's been dragged across a wall."

Luke grinned. He leaned back against the wall and grinned at Teddy. "You know, if you can't stop dreaming about her, you could just tell her how you feel."

"She's two years younger than us!" Teddy objected.

"She feels the same way about you," Luke pointed out. 

"I doubt it," Teddy said. His hair went blonde as he walked out. "I'm going to go take a shower."

"Have fun," Luke said. 

Teddy went for the upstairs bathroom, and Luke took the one downstairs. It was a little further, but the water pressure was better anyways. He recalled living in an apartment with his mother, and struggling to get enough hot water for two people to take a shower in a row. The water heater in the Tonks household didn't have that problem. Luke luxuriated in the shower, standing in the fogbank of steam created by the spray and letting his mind carry him through thoughts of the last few years. They might have been hard, but there were, at least good moments. When his current family adopted him. When he became one of the original members of what Teddy had dubbed the League of Interhouse Friendship in cheerful defiance of a bully who coined the name as an insult. Meeting Marissa, and his turbulent, but very rewarding, relationship with her over the years. 

That last memory, especially, he lingered on. He'd started dating Marissa not too long before, and that was a pleasant enough memory to keep his mind occupied until he actually started washing up.

==

When Luke got out of the downstairs bathroom, Teddy was already in the kitchen, eating waffles. Andromeda was serving them up in stacks, and Luke sat down at the table in his usual spot just as she set down a plate there. 

"Have a good scrub?" Teddy asked, but when Luke looked up, there were words across his brother's forehead: _By scrub, I mean wank_.

"It was excellent," Luke said, ignoring Teddy's real question. Answering questions like that was generally reserved for around the table at Hogwarts. "I particularly liked the part where I opened up the wrong shampoo." He made a face. "Andromeda, I love you, but peach is a reallyt overwhelming scent."

Andromeda sat down with her own stack of waffles. "I bet you smell excellent, though."

"I always smell excellent," Luke said. "I'm a wonderful-smelling boy."

"I'm sure," Andromeda said. "Now eat up, boys. Professor Leiman is going to be here any--"

The doorbell rang, and Andromeda sighed. "Speak of the devil." She picked up her wand from the table, waved it at the door, and shouted "Come in, James!"

The door opened and closed, and James Leiman's voice came from the front room. "I really wish you would come and see me in, Andromeda. It's really not very secure for you to not." His voice kept the American accent it had always had, and as he stepped into the kitchen, he leaned on the doorframe. "Minerva says hello," he added. He was, as always, immaculate in his pinstriped suit, with his cane and his neatly-trimmed hair and beard. The man was old and dignified and without a doubt he was Luke's favorite teacher. He crossed the room and sat down in the spare chair at the table. Andromeda gave him a stack of waffles. 

"You're fairly unassailable and always prompt," Andromeda said. "If someone was really determined to come in at the same time as you, and had the ability to replace you successfully, the plan would be to run, anyways."

"This is why I don't much care for you veterans," Leiman said. "Always sure that your experience means as much as my training." He didn't crack a smile when he said it, but everyone laughed anyway. "You really should be more careful, though. We've had word that Thorfinn Rowle is up to something again. Apparently there was an assault last week. I keep trying to get what's left of the Order of the Phoenix into action, but it's difficult. For some reason, nobody in this country does anything but bury their heads in the sand like an ostrich."

"Well, Professor Leiman, that's because we've got you to protect us," Teddy said.

Professor Leiman stared at Teddy and smiled. "You've got the word 'wank' across your forehead, Teddy."

Andromeda sighed. "You know, I was going to let that be his punishment talking about it," she said as Teddy concentrated and the word disappeared. A metamorphmagus Teddy might be, but he was still relatively young and therefore not yet perfectly excellent at controlling his abilities. 

"I must be grounded now," Teddy grumped.

"No," Andromeda said. "I think that was humiliation enough."

"Oh, I would have told him anyway. Victoire's younger brother is coming along with us. Apparently the French markets have horrible prices on potion ingredients lately. I doubt Bill and Fleur would appreciate their little boy talking about masturbation in public because it's tattooed on Teddy's forehead."

Luke decided, given that he had just nearly had maple syrup come out his nose when he laughed, that he should probably not drench his waffles so much. "Professor, aren't you supposed to be all proper?"

"Goodness no, that's you brits. I'm an American. We're crass and impolite. Eat your eggs, limey."

Teddy actually did have maple syrup come out his nose.

==

After breakfast was over, Professor Leiman took the boys to Diagon Alley. They came in through the floo in Flourish and Blott's. The place was deserted, relatively. Teddy had had to get his arm bandaged back up again. It was still kind of a horror show under the bandages, souvenier of the very Gryffindor way he had won a dueling tournament the previous year. The healers were letting him take it out of the bandages for about an hour in the morning and the evening "to let the wounds breathe and to clean them," and Luke was still kind of horrified every time he saw it. His brother's arm had lost the raw-hamburger look it had had after Malik had ravaged it with some kind of curse, but it still looked like he had come out on the wrong end of a fight with a belt sander.

When Luke made that comparison, Teddy had gone to look up what a belt sander was and then begged Andromeda to get him one. She had refused on the grounds that someone would probably die if he got his hands on power tools. Considering that Teddy had briefly considered building a submarine out of magic and sheet metal only a few months ago, Luke hadn't been able or willing to come up with a counterargument.

Professor Leiman went over to the counter, spoke to the clerk, and the clerk sighed and headed for the back room.

Luke turned as the little bell over the door tinkled. A very large, very black man was bringing his son in. The boy was working on a sizable afro. Luke immediately started giggling, elbowing Teddy. 

"What," Teddy said, turning. He caught sight of the boy, and the boy sighed, because Teddy had burst out laughing much less subtly than Luke.

Luke hurried up and hugged Gene fiercely. "Gene, I love you, but you are not built for that style. Too thin."

"I told you," Jerome Cobham said, patting his son on the shoulder. "You could have got a crew cut, but you had to go big."

"I'll get it cut," Gene said sullenly, but he returned Luke's hug. "How's Teddy's arm?"

"Well," Luke said, "if Death Eaters attack, Teddy can wave it around and scare the hell out of them."

Gene cringed. "I'll change it," he said. Teddy opened his mouth to say something, but Gene held up his hand. "Whatever you want to suggest, Teddy, I'm not doing it."

The door opened up again, and Marissa came in with her mother, and Victoire's family right behind them. Luke ran to hug his girlfriend, planting a kiss on her lips and snuggling up close to her. "Hey, Lovely," he said. "I think Professor Leiman's irritated the clerk."

"Of course he's irritated the clerk," Victoire said cheerfully. "You guys haven't met my little brother and sister yet. Except for Teddy."

Teddy grinned sheepishly. "Hi, Victoire. Are you ready to get some potions ingredients?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, but I don't get why we have to do this now."

"Because your potions teacher is making you mix some very interesting things this year, and prices for one of the most expensive ingredients will be triple normal if you wait," Professor Leiman said. "Although the non-fifth-years are obviously only here in hopes of tagging along after Luke and Teddy." The clerk handed over several thick textbooks. Professor Leiman paid him and headed for the door. "Good morning, Bill, Fluer. Having a good day so far?"

"Excellent," Bill Weasley said cheerfully. 

Teddy kept his distance from Victoire. It was really pretty funny. He looked like he wanted nothing more than to back up about ten steps so he could get a running start for tackling her.

"You look ridiculous," Luke said, leaning over to him. "Go and talk to her."

"I can't," Teddy said. "Her dad's right there. He'd kill me!"

Luke rolled his eyes. He leaned over to Marissa. "Want me to prove him wrong?"

She smiled. "Be nice, Luke."

Luke sighed. "Oh, all right." They followed Professor Leiman to the apothecary. On the way in, Victoire ducked out of the little gaggle and then slipped in front of them as Teddy was about to enter.

"You're avoiding me, Edward Remus Lupin."

"I am not," Teddy objected.

"You're avoiding her," Luke said. "He's just being awkward because he's desperately in love with you."

Victoire turned bright red. "Well, I, er... Um... TeddyIgotticketstothequidditchworldcupdoyouwannago?"

"Breathe, Victoire," Luke said.

Victoire glared at him. "I got tickets... well, I mean, dad got tickets to the quidditch world cup, and we can get an extra person with us... and he suggested..." the next few words came out very quietly, "that I should ask you and Luke."

Luke resisted the urge to say something snarky, but only just. "We'll have to talk to Andromeda, but thank you."

Victoire nodded. "All right. Well, you guys should come and talk to my brother and sister. Dominique is tiny and cute and Louis is a little weirdo."


	2. Professor Badass Strikes Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost committed the cardinal sin of misinterpreting research for this chapter. The quidditch world cup takes place a year after this, not in the summer I'm writing.

Victoire's summary of her siblings turned out to be fairly well on the money. Dominique was going into Beauxbatons in September, and Louis had demonstrated a great deal of magical potential, but hadn't decided if he wanted to go to Hogwarts or Beauxbatons yet.

Louis was friendly enough, but he was constantly jumping from topic to topic in conversation, so that talking to him was a bit disorienting. He eventually got onto the subject of quidditch, and whether or not Luke and Teddy would be accompanying them to the world cup in 2014. Luke paused in the middle of inspecting a preserved two-headed frog. "Next year?"

"Of course," Teddy said. He grimaced. "Honestly, Luke, you didn't think she'd ask us on short notice, did you? It's going to be on another continent."

Luke blinked. His only visits to another continent had been to North America during the previous academic year's dueling tournament. 

"Quel genre d'idiot ne sait pas quand la prochaine coupe du monde est?" Louis muttered.

"Louis, cesser d'être un peu connard." Victoire snapped. "Vous me embarrassant devant mes amis, et il est extrêmement désagréable."

"Victoire! Language!" Bill shouted. Victoire turned bright red.

Luke grinned. "What did you just call him?"

"A dickhead," she whispered. "Sorry, Dad," she called out. 

"So, really," Luke said, turning away from the preserved frog to look at the shop's boomslang skin, most of which was very poor quality, "are you planning to be dating Teddy by then?"

"Luke!" Marissa said.

Luke sketched an almost convincing innocent expression. "I'm only curious."

"I'd like to," Victoire admitted. "But if he never asks me out..."

Luke grinned. "I'll work on him.

==

After the potion shop, everyone stopped at the ice cream shop. Marissa and Luke kept stealing from each other's bowls until Gene got tired of it and reached over to swap their bowls. "Spoilsport," Luke said, sticking his tongue out.

Gene grinned and leaned back. "You two were just being too heterosexual for me. It was getting annoying."

Luke snickered. "So, in your last letter you said you had a boyfriend."

Gene sighed. "Turned out he was sort of a... what was that word, Victoire?"

Victoire leaned over to whisper in Gene's ear, and Gene grinned.

"A connard," Gene said. Bill scowled across the table at his daughter, opened up his mouth to scold her, and then Professor Leiman put a hand on his shoulder.

"Bill, the Chinese have a saying. De dì yī jiàn shì jiùshì yīgè háizi, shuí zhīdào lìng yīzhǒng yǔyán huì jiào tā de tónglíng rén shì rúhé fāshì xiàng yīgè gāisǐ de shuǐshǒu."  
Everyone stared at the professor. He just shrugged. "Okay, so maybe it's more like a piece of wisdom I heard from a man who knew where the dark wizard threatening the Dalai Lama was hiding, but it's still true."

"And what does it mean?" Bill asked.

Professor Leiman grinned. "The first thing a child who knows another language will teach her peers is how to swear like a sailor. My friend may have... embellished it a little more than that. But the point is that they're going to learn how to call each other names."

"Yeah," Luke said. "I can already be vulgar in Dutch and Greenlandic."

Bill sighed in defeat.

"So what's the story with the connard," Luke asked Gene.

Gene dug at his bowl of mint chocolate frog ice cream (Luke suspected he ordered the stuff mostly to see the looks on Luke's face as he at it) for a second with a look of profound irritation on his face. "He was about your age, which I figured was good, because you and I were pretty good together. I guess I forgot how much of a bunch of idiots most fifteen-year-olds are."

"I spoiled you, didn't I?"

"You all did," Gene said with a shrug. "Anyway, it was all going well, and then I caught him at the theater with another bloke. He said it was his cousin, so I told him I was breaking up with him because I didn't want to be with a guy who would take his cousin to the theater for a snog. And believe me, they were definitely snogging. I was in the same movie with them. I don't think the manager was pleased when I started yelling."

"The same movie?" Teddy said incredulously, poking his head out into the middle of the table.

Gene nodded. "I wanted to go see Iron Man Three with him, and he said he had to stay home and do chores that day, so I went on my own because he's not that big a fan of action films anyway. Turns out he doesn't like action films, just the sorts of guys who go to see them."

Luke cringed. "I'd offer to help you make him jealous, but, you know..." He gestured to Marissa, and she rolled her eyes. "Oh, sure, present me as a burden, I don't mind."

Luke chuckled, and then fell silent when Professor Leiman started making a soft whistling noise. He pulled something out of his pocket and sighed. "Get everyone out of here," he ordered, and without hesitation, all the adults started getting their charges out. Jerome grabbed Luke as well as Gene, and Luke saw Teddy hurrying over to Gwendolyn with Marissa in the split second before he was apparated away. His hand plunged into his pocket as he arrived in front of a fairly nice muggle-style townhouse. He gripped his wand, and Jerome dragged him and Gene both into the townhouse. 

"Everyone all right?" Jerome asked.

"Yeah," Luke said. He looked around. Gene's house was one of those bigger-on-the-inside affairs Luke had heard about from Teddy. Apparently, Harry Potter had lived in a house like that for a few years when Teddy was younger before moving to a different house. Luke took a deep breath and tried to make himself relax, but his hand remained stubbornly wrapped around his wand. If what had set off Professor Leiman was Death Eaters, then it would be Luke they were after. He, after all, was pretty widely known to be harboring the last fragment of Voldemort's soul, and he wasn't exactly friendly with the Death Eaters. He could only hope it wasn't possible to follow someone who had apparated away. There was a cracking sound outside, and Luke and Jerome both whipped their wands around towards the door. Luke was already halfway through an incantation when there was a knock on the door. Jerome opened it and gestured to Luke. Luke swallowed the spell on his tongue and kept his wand pointed as Jerome glared through the door. 

It was hard to remember, sometimes, that pretty much everyone in Jerome's generation had gone through a war. They were remarkably well-adjusted, for the most part, with the exception of the more damaged people Luke had met, like Gwendolyn Jones and Draco Malfoy. But the instant danger struck, the reminder of what they had seen became pretty forceful. They weren't alarmed by the possibility of having to curse someone into the ground; they accepted it might have to be done, acted to ensure that if it was done, it was done well and thoroughly, and wouldn't have to be done again. It was a reflex developed, he thought ironically, in response to the same sort of reflex that was prompting him. Jerome was acting on a purely defensive instinct, but Luke could tell that his own reaction was born more out of aggression. If there was a Death Eater on the other side of the door, Luke's next move would be attack, not defense.

It wasn't a Death Eater. Not that Jerome just accepted that he was actually looking at Harry Potter. He jabbed his wand at Potter and growled, "password?"

"Lichtenstein," Potter replied. Jerome lowered his wand and Potter stepped into the house, looking around at the various paintings and other decorations on the walls. "Nice place, Jerome."

Luke relaxed, marginally, although now he was uncomfortable because he was stuck in a room with Harry Potter, whom he had never liked, a fact that pretty clearly had everything to do with the fragment of Voldemort's soul attached to him.

Potter had his own wand out and was already starting to cast defensive spells. When he was finished, he turned to Jerome. "You three should go and wait for word from James. I'll do guard duty. Put your wand away, Luke. If we're attacked here, your job is to run."

Luke pocketed his wand and got as far away from Potter as he could. He took the opportunity to look around. He had never been in Gene's house before, and he was surprised by the sophistication of the decorations. Jerome had struck him as a much more casual person than the decor implied.

A large painting adorned one wall, a landscape that was winter on one end and summer on the other. The mantle held the most puzzling decoration, a display case with three wands in it. The whole place was done up in soft earth tones, the floor and tables uncluttered except by a food dish for an aged cat that sat on top of a couch and meowed at Luke as he came in.

Potter brushed past them, casting once again as he secured the house.

"Mister Potter, what's going on, exactly?" Gene asked.

"James sent a patronus to the Auror department that said he suspected Death Eaters were about to try something in Diagon Alley. He said Luke was at the Cobham residence and needed to be protected as well."

"Lovely," Luke muttered.

Potter moved on, casting through the house as he went. 

It seemed entirely too awkward to sit around and watch the telly or gossip about Gene's jerk ex while Potter moved through the house protecting them from potential murderous attack, so they stood around feeling out of place for a few minutes. Gene seemed about to speak a couple of times, but each time, he shut his mouth again right away. At last, there was a knock on the door, and Potter let in Professor Leiman. The American leaned heavily against the doorframe. His suit was torn and he was smoking very slightly, holding a sizable semiautomatic pistol in his left hand. The gun was gleaming, except for a round burn mark on the side. "Rowle was there," Professor Leiman said simply, holstering the weapon. "He's a hell of a fighter. Him and five others. Rowle and one other were left when the aurors arrived. They ran for it."

"Are any of them still alive?" Potter asked.

Professor Leiman shrugged. "One or two might be. I had to stop using my gun after they hit it with a curse." He inspected the pistol and sighed. "They got the Kimber. I _liked_ the Kimber." He put the gun into a shoulder holster and drew another one from under his jacket. "Come along, Luke. I'm taking you home."

Luke let out a little sigh as Professor Leiman brought him back home. Teddy had apparently already returned, and so Adromeda rushed to meet them with a great deal of worry. She looked ready to make a beeline for Luke, but the instant she spotted Professor Leiman, still singed and smoking, she let out a cry of dismay. "James!"

"It's all right, Andromeda," James said. "It was just a little flamethrower curse. Nothing I can't handle. Would've loved to have had my son with me. He would've made them really regret that curse. Then again, there wouldn't have been much left of the Death Eaters or of Diagon Alley from about four feet in front of Andrew nearly to Gringotts, so take from that what you will."

Luke chuckled. He knew, although Andromeda didn't, that Andrew Leiman was a firestarter, and probably would have approached the problem of life-or-death combat with a literal scorched-earth mindset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the implied violence that surrounds Professor Leiman. He never quite gave up the whole James-Bond-superspy thing, and it really shows when he gets into combat. He's also perfectly willing to combine firearms with magic. Really, since his whole function is to keep Luke alive throughout all this crap without Luke becoming a ridiculous Voldemort-powered badass, it follows that he's going to have some really interesting moments of offscreen badass. I guess I'll have to actually show what his all-out combat style looks like sometime. It's actually a hell of a thing. The man is basically an immovable tower of unrelenting death.


	3. Victoire and Her Filthy Mouth

"Can we expect this to happen again?" Leave it to Teddy, Luke thought, to ask the next sensible question.

"Yes," Professor Leiman said truthfully, but then he broke the somber mood with a fearsome smile. "But that doesn't mean they'll feel safe attacking you in public anytime soon. I'd bet after this, you'll be perfectly safe in Hogsmeade as long as there are aurors around."

"How did you know we were about to be attacked?" Luke asked. 

Professor Leiman pulled the same object from his pocket that he had pulled in Diagon Alley.It was like a small top, with a gently turning inner piece. "Pocket sneakoscope," Professor Leiman said. "One of the few devices that gets more useful as it ages, particularly if you disable the magic-replenishing charms on it. This one is about ten years old. At this point, you have to be either telling a malicious lie right next to it or determined to commit murder within a few city blocks to set it off. Dark detectors are damned useful if you know how to use them. Too bad I never went for a talk with Alastor Moody twenty years ago when that imposter was pretending to be him. The way Harry tells it, between a veteran auror not knowing how to handle his detectors and my own bag of tricks, I'd have sussed the bastard out in three minutes flat. Well, and he wouldn't have remembered me. Tenochtitlan was never exactly public knowledge."

Luke took hold of the sneakoscope. It continued to turn sedately and silently in its glass case. He promptly walked it over to where Teddy still stood in the threshold of the kitchen and held it up next to his head. The sneakoscope began to whirl and whistle very slightly, nowhere near the intensity of reaction it had shown in Diagon Alley.

"Whatever it is," Teddy protested, "I didn't do it. That thing is a filthy liar."

+----+

Luke received the list of the rest of his school supplies much later in the summer. He was sitting around the kitchen table with Teddy and Andromeda, munching on Weasley's Dragon Crunch and petting his cat, Fortinbras, with his feet as they dangled below his seat. The tap of an owl's beak on the window was entirely expected, and Teddy got up to go let the poor creature in. A second owl followed it in and fluttered to land on the table right in front of Luke. He reached out to take the letter from the bird and frowned at the shape of it.

"Something wrong, Luke?" Teddy asked.

Luke glared at the envelope in his hands. "There's something in here besides my class list." He opened up the envelope and pulled out its entire contents. A little silver and green badge fell out and clattered onto the table. "Oh no," Luke muttered.

Teddy stared. "You're a _prefect_? You _monster!_ "

"It's not my fault!" Luke cried. "I didn't ask to be a prefect!"

"My perfect boys," Andromeda muttered. "Upset because one of them's a prefect."

"At least it was Luke that brought shame on the family!" Teddy insisted. "You can still disown him!"

"I'm not disowning anyone," Andromeda said darkly. 

"I knew you shouldn't have adopted him until we knew this wouldn't happen," Teddy said.

Luke kicked him under the table.

"I think it's wonderful," Andromeda said. "It's about time we had a prefect in the family again."

Luke stuck his tongue out at Teddy. 

"Let's have a party to celebrate," Andromeda added, which effectively froze Luke in place with his tongue hanging out. He managed to collect himself before she moved on, but only just.

"Andromeda, please don't," he said.

"Oh, Luke, just let me do this, all right? Nymphadora was never a prefect, and I didn't exactly get to celebrate poor Remus being a prefect. Probably a bloody good thing he was, though, I imagine he's all that kept James Potter and Sirius Black under control." She directed a mock-fierce glare at Teddy. "If a certain someone would behave himself and try to perform better in school, we'd have two prefects."

"Gran, my dad was a Marauder. I'm legally obligated to misbehave."

Andromeda sighed. "I still can't believe Harry told you about that."

Luke gritted his teeth. "We should invite Potter and his family to the party if we're going to throw it," he said. 

"Really?" Teddy looked incredulous. "But you hate my godfather."

"But you're trying to give him a second chance," Luke pointed out. "Invite him out, Andromeda. But I get to have ten minutes alone with Marissa!"

Andromeda shook her head. "I know what a Slytherin can do with ten minutes."

"It takes me longer than that," Luke said with a certain indignant tone.

"It's true," Teddy said. "He was always gone for at least three hours with Malik."

Luke kicked him under the table again.

+----+

Helping to prepare for a party was always an interesting experience. Andromeda was very thorough about her preparations. After the last Christmas party she had thrown, she even made sure to charm little paintings of shepherds into the enchanted wallpaper in the front room against the inevitability of multiple stampedes being started across it.   
Luke and Teddy were employed in cleaning every inch of the house, and in putting up banners, helping in the kitchen, and even getting the outside of the house presentable.   
He had thought that preparing for a Christmas party was intense, but Luke was really a little surprised that Andromeda didn't make them sweep the roof or do some other such insane thing. 

Finally, though, the day arrived, and Luke greeted the guests as they arrived. Gene smiled at him and wrapped him up in a bear hug. "I didn't ever think you would make prefect," he said. "I mean all those times you and I--"

"Gene," Luke scolded, but he was grinning just the same, and beamed all the wider when he saw Marissa arriving with Gwendolyn, approaching the front door, lugging a couple of bags, which she handed back to her mother before running to greet Luke.

"Luke!" Marissa kissed him thoroughly, then held him out at arm's length and looked him up and down. "Have you been keeping secure in the house?"

Luke nodded. "Absolutely. Has Professor Leiman convinced you I'll be supermurdered by Darth Vader and all the Stormtroopers if I don't act like the entire universe actively wants to kill me?"

"Well, I think he was specifically concerned about Death Eaters rather than science fiction villains with bad aim and mediocre track records."

"You have got to start reading some of Luke's Star Wars novels if that's what you think of them," Teddy said, leaning past Luke to grin at Marissa. "Darth Vader cuts this one bloke's head clean off. Oh! I know, I'll show you The Force Unleashed, we just got it for the X-box."

Luke patted Marissa's shoulder. "I'm sorry. There's not much I can do to stop this. Just think of it as keeping him from growing breasts for a while."

Gwendolyn gave Luke a little smile as Teddy dragged Marissa into the house. "Don't tell me he actually does that."

"Only when he thinks no one will yell at him for it, but then he does it immediately and without the slightest compuction," Luke chuckled. "What's in the bags?"

"Shopping," Gwendolyn replied. "I'm not much fun at parties, I'm afraid, and I've an appointment with an old acquaintance. Congratulations, Luke."

Luke blushed. "Andromeda is making too big of a deal out of this. It's only prefect."

Gwendolyn shook her head. "I bet Andromeda's been cooped up with you and Teddy for the most part. She might just want to talk to someone who's not a teenaged boy."

Luke snorted humorously. "What could anyone who's not a teenaged boy possibly have to say? I could talk to teenaged boys for hours."

"But would you be listening, or just looking?" Gwendolyn ruffled his hair, and Luke made a face and hurried to go inside before he was obligated to greet the Potters, who he had the impression would be arriving by floo. 

Sure enough, just as Luke got into the sitting room to watch Teddy starting up the video games, the floo roared to life and Andromeda started greeting Harry Potter and his preponderance of children. Potter had brought Victoire, and she immediately grabbed Teddy and hugged him to within i=an inch of his life. Luke smoothly took over getting his butt kicked by Vader while the Potter kids each hugged Teddy (after prying Victoire away from him), and then he headed off to sit down with Marissa. They watched as Harry Potter sent his daughter back through the floo with a proud smile. "We've had to start hiding the floo powder," he explained to Teddy's questioning look. "Lily thinks other people's houses are just another room in this one. Hasn't quite got tit sorted out yet. Still better at Floo travel than I am, though," he added with a grimace.

"Do you know who the other Slytherin prefect will be?" Luke asked, but Marissa shook her head. 

"Could be anyone," Marissa answered with a shrug. "Not liable to be anyone I'm terribly fond of, though."

"So you're saying it's probably a Slytherin," Luke said. "Fascinating, but do you have any evidence?"

Marissa smacked him on the arm and turned back to watching Teddy play his game while James Potter oohed and aahed in such impressed tones that Luke could almost hear Harry Potter's money going away to a video game fund. After a while, Luke leaned on Marissa's shoulder. "Are you certain you're all right?" Marissa asked. "I mean, someone tried to kill you last month."

"I'm certain," Luke said. "I remember Riddle trying to kill an awful lot of people, and an awful lot of people trying to kill him. Professor Leiman warned us all off before anyone could get hurt or even see one of the Death Eaters. I've had far worse happen to me before I even knew I was a wizard." He grinned. "Besides, Professor Leiman is the baddest motherfucker on the planet."

"LUKE!" Andromeda cried, having apparently chosen that moment to enter the room.

"It's true," Luke muttered sheepishly.

"That's not the point. I'm rather astonished you've been made prefect with that mouth of yours."

"Well, it's not like I used my mouth to do it," Luke said.

"Yeah," Victoire called out, "he prefers them a little younger than Professor Flitwick."

Harry Potter laughed so hard that pumpkin juice came out of his nose and he had to go and wash up in the loo. Andromeda stared, pale-faced, at Victoire until she hurried out to help Harry, and Teddy gaped wide-eyed at Victoire, his face slowly reverting to its actual, natural appearance while a little digital Emperor Palpatine kicked the stuffing out of a little digital Galen Marek on the television.

"Teddy, you're getting your butt kicked!" James exclaimed.

Teddy handed the controller to James, tapped Victoire on the shoulder, and leaned in to kiss her.

"Eww!" Albus yelled, and Marissa chuckled. 

"What was that for?" Victoire asked through a bright blush and a dazed expression as Teddy let go of her. 

"You just made a filthy joke, shocked my gran, got pumpkin juice to come out of Harry Potter's nose, and made fun of Luke with just ten words. I think you're my soulmate."

"Teddy has never been harder in his life than he is right now," Marissa mumbled.

Luke grinned. "Probably."

Teddy and Victoire continued to steal moments when they didn't think anyone could see them to snog throughout the party, but they were much less subtle than they thought, to Luke's amusement.

"Are they finally a couple?" Andromeda asked after everyone had gone home and Teddy had retreated to bed, presumably intent on working out the frustration of several hours of kissing Victoire with adult supervision preventing anything else. Luke finished putting away the last of the dishes from the party and went to get a glass of milk.  
Luke shrugged. "I have no idea. They might just have found a new and annoying way to be frustratingly separate from each other. In which case I'm locking them in a broom cupboard as soon as we get to Hogwarts."

"That would be a terrible idea, Luke," Andromeda scolded. "You know Teddy. You'd have to lock them in a broom cupboard with condoms."

While Luke cleaned up his spilled milk, Andromeda chuckled and walked away. "When you're done there, clean up the pumpkin juice Harry spilled. Much longer and it's going to stain."


	4. Sorting Out the Weasleys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE SECOND UPDATE TODAY. IF YOU DON'T RECALL ANYTHING ABOUT A PARTY, GO BACK A PAGE.

A week after the party, Teddy became obviously and almost comically depressed. Luke, figuring that it was probably to do with Victoire, passed a few I-told-you-sos towards Andromeda, but there wasn't really much time to cheer Teddy up, so he mostly just tried to get the story out of him.

Teddy refused to talk, but the puzzle solved itself when they got to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters on September First. Bill Weasley was glaring at Teddy like he thought he could incinerate his head with heat vision. Given that Bill wasn't a Kryptonian, it wasn't working, but not for lack of effort.

"Do you get the feeling Bill maybe doesn't approve of Teddy?" Luke muttered when Gene and Marissa found him.

Marissa left a gentle kiss on his cheek, peered at Victoire, being shepherded away from them by her irritable father, and sighed. "You'd think he'd be less of a jerk about it."

"Some blokes are just like that," Gene said. "I once had a friend's father threaten to clobber me over the head with a garden rake because he thought I was 'sniffing around his little princess.' Keep in mind that I was twelve. And already really, really gay. Like, I farted glitter and rainbows and sang showtunes in my sleep instead of snoring. But apparently he thought I wanted his daughter the way a dog wants the last piece of pizza."

"Cold and face down on the floor?" Luke said just as Marissa chimed in with "dripping with grease and smelling of sausage?"

Gene cringed. "That was really necrophilic of you, Luke."

"Well, yes, but implying that you were going to have sex with her wasn't incredibly disturbing. I had to make it unpleasant somehow." Luke shrugged. "Honestly, I just don't get possessive dads. Especially not ones that think they can get in the way of blokes like Teddy. Do you think they'll get caught in a broom cupboard or the Swear Chair room?"

"Cupboard," Gene said. "No question. Swear Chair room is too secure."

Teddy came back looking dejected, having lost sight of Victoire, and he remained gloomy as the train started moving, until the door of their compartment opened up to admit a pissed-off Weasley girl.

"I, Victoire Apolline Weasley, am going to jam my father's wand so far up his nose that he will have to cast a blasting curse if he needs to sneeze." Vicoire flopped angrily down next to Teddy, looked up at the ceiling, and added with passion and feeling, "once I've done that, I'll tie each and every strand of my mother's precious golden tresses to a different crup and surround her with ground beef." She glared out the window. "I suppose I'll spare Dominique and Louis, but I'm going to throw James Sirius Potter into a nest of lethifolds and feed Albus Severus to a rabid unicorn. Harry James Potter--"

"Will have all his bones removed by magic one at a time, saving the skull for last," Luke said without letting her really launch into describing whatever she had in mind.

Everyone stared at him for a few moments, and then, quietly, Victoire said "I was going more for funny than... you know... horrifically evil."

Luke grimaced. "And I swung straight into Eviltown, didn't I? Sorry, it's just that one's been stored somewhere in the back of the Riddle memories for a while. I don't think he ever did it to anyone." He stared at his shoes for a minute, then spoke fragilely into the silence, "I take it you're not too chuffed with your mum and dad?"

"Dad says he won't let me date a hooligan who's two years older than me, Mum says she'll transfer me to Beauxbatons if I keep running around with boys who 'aren't good enough for me,' and they both think I ought to stop spending so much time with the lot of you." She smacked a fist against the window hard enough that Luke half-expected the glass to crack. "Uncle George agrees with me, so naturally dad's taking a hard line stance against it." She sighed gustily. "Have you met the invasion, yet? Ever seen Fred and Molly?"

"Invasion?" Luke asked in a worried tone.

"George's boy and Uncle Percy's insufferable daughter," Victoire mumbled. "Fred's all right. Terrified someone will get his name connected with the shop. But Molly's got Uncle Percy's attitude about authority, so naturally she thinks I ought to show you all the back of me before you corrupt me beyond all repair."

"Oh, no," Gene groaned. "We're getting more Weasleys! We're going to drown in Weasleys, and it will all be Harry's Potter's fault for protecting so many of them during the war."

"James next year," Teddy pointed out. "Unless Victoire throws him to the lethifolds." He flashed her a little smile, and she smiled nervously back to him.

"Oh, Merlin's deformed arsecheeks, please tell me you two aren't back to flirting," Luke groaned.

"I don't see what else we can do," Teddy pointed out, "since Bill will pull my heart out like the priest in that one movie you showed me where Han Solo has the whip."

"Han Solo... do you mean Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?" Gene asked in tones of mild horror at Teddy's description of the film.

==

The two new Weasleys were fairly easy to spot, being topped with bright red hair and actively engaged in making faces at each other.

Luke thought he might have seen Fred before, most likely hanging around at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. He wondered if George made it a habit not to introduce business partners to his son, or if it was only happenstance that had kept him from meeting the boy. Either way, Fred Weasley II was like a stretched out and much darker version of his father. Luke had seen Angelina Weasley a couple of times, and was frankly surprised the kid wasn't even lankier. Molly was a bit harder to judge, as Luke only got a look at her with her tongue out and her face all pinched up as she argued with Fred in the universal language of preteen debate. Professor Leiman drew everyone's attention by smacking the end of his cane against the floor, and both of the Weasley children were blocked from Luke's sight.

Professor Leiman had set up the Sorting Hat's stool already, and he set the thing down on it with a smirk, casting a clear look of doom in the direction of Victoire's disagreeing relatives. Luke thought he heard a faint squeak of fright before the hat's brim opened wide and it croaked raspily into song.

"Well, here I'm sitting plain as day,  
upon this little stool,  
and soon enough I'll have to say  
where you will go in school.

Here at Hogwarts you will learn  
and troublemake and fuss,  
and your teachers, stressed and burned  
will sit and add the cost.

In Slytherin the price you ask  
will be to you well-reckoned,  
and Gryffindor won't ask the price,  
just see adventure beckon.

I'll tell you where to park your bum  
as soon as I can seat you  
but on your head I'll hmm and humm  
until your housemates greet you.

A thousand years ago they knew  
that I would be an answer  
and since I tell them who is who  
I must _prevent_ disasters.

A Ravenclaw is very fine  
if you must solve a riddle,  
and Hufflepuffs are just sublime  
for being true and loyal,

but here at Hogwarts all of us  
must always stand together,  
We sometimes ask a lot, I guess,  
when we find nasty weather.

There's often in your little lives  
a time when things are rougher;  
I only hope your houses thrive  
I hope they make you tougher.

I've gone on quite a while, I think,  
but then that's what I'm here for.  
I won't keep you from food and drink,  
I'll sort you as you've cheered for.

There was a bit of a silence as the hat's unusually preachy song drew to a close, and then Profess Leiman started calling out names. On three separate occasions, he stopped in mid-list to give a small, amused smile in the general direction of Fred. Finally, he read out Fred's name as "Weasley, Fred, also known as General Panic, Fred Johnson, and... Boogieman."

A smirking Fred sat down on the Sorting Hat's stool, and when it was placed on his head, the hat let out a voluble groan of displeasure. "Not another one," it complained. "At least this one isn't a matched set." For a few moments, it debated, but ultimately surprised no one by calling out "Gryffindor! Next Weasley!"

For Molly (who threw an absolutely livid look Fred's way), The hat just sighed in a put upon way and boredly announced "Gryffindor. Again."

==

The other Slytherin prefect, was, it turned out, Heironymous Runel. Luke gathered that this was unusual, but there were only two girls in his year in Slytherin, so it made a certain amount of sense to go by sheer worthiness rather than worthiness within gender lines. Luke had to shake his head at the idea that Runel was as worthy of being a prefect as he was, but there was nothing he could do about it.

He had been given instructions during the train ride to meet Professor Gills with the other prefects after everyone else had gone to bed, so once he had got Fortinbras settled in to bed, Luke slipped out into the common room just after Runel.

Professor Gills was just slipping into the room, looking around and nodding as though something particularly met with his approval about the situation. He sat the six prefects down and perched on the arm of a chair, grinning vapidly. "I'm very proud, first off, to introduce our two new Slytherin prefects, Heironymous Runel and Luke Tonks-Restimen. Let's all give tehm a hand--quietly, of course." He insisted on a soft round of applause, then nodded cheerily before slowly shifting to a more somber mood. "Unfortunately, not all is well. Thanks to a few bad eggs out there, Hogwarts is spending this year on high alert. Normally, you'd be able to run your patrols alone, but this year, you're going to have to patrol in pairs. I hardly need to tell you who, specifically, is in danger, but this Thorfinn Rowle characters is unpleasant and powerful, and Professor Leiman suspects he may try to get into the school."

"Professor Leiman suspects everything," Runel growled.

"Professor Leiman knows everything," Vivian, one of the seventh-year prefects shot back. "You'll learn to respect his hunches before too long."

"But come on," Runel said. "Death Eaters in Hogwarts? It's not like we have Draco Malfoy and a magic cabinet to smuggle them in."

"No," Luke agreed. "If they get in, they're liable to do it by main force. Or to get really obnoxiously clever. I hope I don't have to patrol with you."

"Of course not," Professor Gills said. "I'll be pairing you with Vivian, so she can show you the ropes. But you'll be with me, first. Tomorrow night, I'll show you two the ropes, and we'll get all your training over with. It'll give me a chance to talk to you both. Sounds like fun to me!"

Luke sighed. This year, he thought, was probably going to suck.


End file.
